What Divorce Taught Me About Myself

A question I get asked quite a bit is, "Why are you divorced?" I think I get asked this for a few reasons.

1) Most who know me know that I'm an open book.
2) I was 25 when my divorce took place.
3) We seemed "happy" if you checked my Facebook page.

I have several answers I could give you. I could add up the sum of everything the other party did wrong and tell you that is why it equaled divorce. But, I don't think that's productive. Instead, I choose to focus on what I could have done differently. This leads to both maturity in Christ and the ability to create better boundaries for our future. And the truth is...there are many mistakes I made before we said "I do" that rainy October day.

The biggest mistake? I wasn't using discernment. I was using the comfortable crutch of humans to confirm who I was. I would take their advice with no thought as to which perspective they were giving it. Looking back, it was often one of fear. Apparently, I had yet to meditate on Romans 8 where Paul says, "The resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It is adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?' God's spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are: Father and children."

Notice Paul is pointing us to look to God, our Father, to ask, "What's next?"...not humans.

Being a romantic at heart, I was stuck in an immature mindset that consisted of the "90's purity ring craze" and "marriage will bring me even closer to God". I was listening to the guidance of a mentor that was telling me that marriage would be "good" for me. Even when God gave me red flag after red flag that I should have interpreted as, "Hey...this choice probably isn't for you", I refused to listen. I didn't have the courage to admit that I was wrong.

I also believe I had not healed from my past emotional wounds. I had a turbulent childhood and the trauma was far from resolved. I can now see that I was searching for a purpose from that experience. I grew up in church. I knew that God redeemed many situations and I was ready for him to redeem mine...ASAP.

However, when I didn't feel like I was finding the purpose of those unpleasant years fast enough...I began creating a purpose for it on my own. Although it was mostly subconscious, (I know now that this was partly the result of being an Enneagram 7, but that's for another blog post) it's crazy how quickly it snowballed. I assumed the purpose of my adolescence was to find someone who I could connect with on the same level. But in the end, I was wrong.

I didn't need a marriage or a family of my own to restore anything. God had so much redemption waiting for me and none of it required rings, vows, or a man. I could write 5000+ words of all the goodness God has shown to not only me, but also to my parents as we have moved forward in recovering. This verse brings me comfort on the days that I'm tempted to race for answers instead of waiting on Him. I hope it comforts you, too!

"God, your God, will restore everything you lost; He'll have compassion on you, He'll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places you were scattered. No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there." Deuteronomy 30:3-5





LM ACTION: Maybe you are in a similar situation. You are using humans to guide your life when you should be using the Lord. Maybe you are like me and you spent many years thinking that you were now living out your "punishment" because of an initial choice you made. Maybe you think you wrecked His plan. Let me remind you that you aren't that powerful :) Paul wrote in Romans 8, "The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air,  freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death."

His plan was and is always for you. Not against you. You can't change the past, but you can change your future.

Make today the day that you start listening to the Spirit. Use better discernment when listening to advice from humans. Dig deeper into scripture. Pray. Hide His word in your heart. "God's word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long." Ephesians 6

-- Cayla


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